Trace your fingers through my past,
The taste of pain heavy on your tongue.
Ashes of burning dreams piled high.
There are no more tears,
That river has run dry.
Furious winds -
Hate, rage, hope and fear,
Have died down.
A statue of emptiness standing in the middle.
One blade of sweet green grass,
Sprouting at my feet.

Living Beats in Death

I am done, life is lived in the now
The truth is, I have nothing to wait for
You, that one which I seek
Have traced my steps this whole life
I feel my hold on sanity slip
Discipline is for the human
Sweet sigh of relief, she breathes in me
Dandelion kisses in the wind
Drop the lucid moments of this dream
Fingers unfurl; drip, drip, drip
Sand passes, the illusion of a road
Stab my heart, ten swords
Living beats in death
Allowing all to leave, broken open
Dancing on raindrops, skip, skip, skip
She flows through me,
Rages in and rushes out
Hand in hand we meet all todays.

Stages of Healing

There were the years of incomprehensible fear. It danced around my heart; feigning jabs, sardonically laughing, glancing at me over its shoulder as it sauntered away, that wicked little grin lingering. A terror like no other because the lines were not cut and dried; there was no real knowing what was going to happen. Just conjectures of the mind, an effort to prepare me for all possible scenarios. What you expect is much less frightening than a wild terrain of unknown tortures.

Then, there were years of anger and self loathing. Questioning my truth and wondering if the mists of the past hid a reality or an illusion. Learning to know that whatever the structure was, my feelings did matter. Regardless of deliberation or happenstance, the invisible gouges covering me, affected me. And I did not need to feel guilty for that.

Next, the years of being half alive began. This stage has been the hardest for me. I am no longer floating on my back; the dark, murky waters beneath me, monsters beyond imagination swirling down there learning that I am too strong for them. Almost too strong. Every once in a while they catch a fragrant whiff of my blood, they come racing through the darkness ready to consume me. No, those years were filled with panic and bravery. For a warrior like me, these years of new found safety are much more nerve-wracking. Here I sit, in the sand on the shore, those demons can’t touch me anymore, and I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself.

Those years are coming to an end. I now enter the rest of my life. Standing up, slowly I turn around, and I see the beautiful trees inland. I begin to walk towards this magical forest. I used to look over my shoulder, wondering which was more real. Now I realize that they are both real. Which one I inhabit is my choice. And I choose life without fear, abuse and being controlled. My heart swells with love for those beasts whose breath was bated with my scent. There is no limit to the love that can flow through me, if only I allow it.

Sometimes it takes years of being extremely lost and confused after the trepidation ends. But I promise that there is a world beyond your comprehension, and it is waiting to wrap its warm arms around you. It is like no other love you have ever felt. It is the love of the Universe and the love of yourself. Just keeping going.

Find Me

Enter my world, scale my barricade
Tell me that you see me
Swim my moat, knock on my door
Ask to be let in

Don’t turn when I deny
Set up camp
Build a fire
Rap again

I am here, trapped inside
Someone find the key
I buried it out there,
Locked in here

All I want to do is fly
I caress the sky
Come with me
I don’t know how
To let you inside

Employ your clever mind
Open your heart to mine
Climb the tree
To touch the sky
Reach me there,
Up so high

Don’t pull me to you
But leap, and fly

Creating the Space

We all desire to have things in our lives that are not yet there.  There are multiple ways we may go about obtaining these objects, people or experiences.  We may purchase them, we may chase them, we may lure them, we may manifest them, and I am sure there are many other ways to create the lives that we intend.  One thing that became very apparent to me this morning, is that the first step in manifesting what we desire, is to create the space for it.

My example may seem very trivial; but often, I find immense depth in the unassuming.  For months I have wanted a chair where I can sit and read, write and get lost in the ramblings of my spirit.  I feel that this special seat will become a vortex, a place where once I sit I am transported to the land of imagination and creativity.  As of yet, I have made a half hearted attempts to locate this magical throne; searching on craigslist, looking through the random thrift shop, googling.  However, recently, my yearning for this chair has become most insistent.  So pressing in fact, that quite unaware, I found myself rearranging my room this morning!

I pulled my night stand away from the wall, hauled my bed into the middle of the room, picked up and folded the dog’s blanket, and then pushed, pulled and yanked everything into a new configuration.  Even putting the jewelry box in the closet and removing books from the room completely because they took up space that My Chair will occupy.  Now, when I walk into the room, opposite the wall that displays my posters outlining the trilogy that I am writing, there is a vacant space.  A space that begs to be filled, a void that will not let me rest until I find that perfect chair to fill it.

How committed are you to obtaining that which you desire?  Have you rearranged your life to the point where there is a beautiful space waiting to occupy that which you dream of?  Sometimes jewelry boxes need to go in the closet, books need to be removed all together and you need to become ok with staring at that gapping void.  Because, only once you allow space, can that which you yearn for come to fill it.

We Are All a Web

In Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, God says that when we die we do not lose our body or our mind, as is commonly believed.  Our body, mind and spirit stay together, for these are us.  They just change form.  This has me deeply fascinated!

These are the three facets of ourselves that always are, in life or death; though, death is an illusion.  When our spirit chooses to re-experience life as a human, the vibration of the body slows enough to become physical matter again.  Wow!

My question is…. While we are not here as matter experiencing physical life, what are we doing?  For some reason, I can conceive of a world where just spirit exist, but a world where body, mind and spirit all exist, but not on the physical plane… That blows my mind.

I feel like I am asking silly questions here, like maybe rather than ask these questions I should go pick up a quantum physics book or something… but, are there multiple worlds stacked on top of one another?  We don’t really go anywhere when we our body dies, though it doesn’t really die, it just changes form.  If all of these energetic worlds are stacked head to tail, how then can we all exist in one space?  For heaven sakes, we are all intertwined!  The light body of another who is not here in matter may be floating through my physical matter at this moment.  Simply fascinating.

We are all a web, with no beginning and no end.  Infinity stretches before and after.  Anything and everything is possible.